Signs, Wonders, and the Fear of Losing Control
When God’s Will Meant Sacrificing My Son
A reflection on the author’s experience with ‘seeking God’s will’ as a former evangelical christian.
Labor Day weekend was last weekend. August 30th was a particularly tough day for me. I was taking everything my spouse said like a criticism. I was touchy, sensitive and over-reacting. After the 3rd or 4th time that I retreated to my bathroom to cry, I began to wonder, why is today so hard? Is my body remembering something my brain is not?
So I went to my journal — THE JOURNAL. The one I kept during and after my only pregnancy, 23 years ago. I flipped it open to where the ribbon already was, only slightly surprised to read, “Friday, August 30”. At the end of that day’s entry, I read:
I know that God will lead me. Initially I felt very positive about the possibilities with [hopeful adopters] but mom and dad have a lot of concerns. As time goes on, I am less sure of that decision and starting to desire more and more to parent my boy.
I felt amused when I read this. Sad of course, always, to see my codependency so plainly. But amused because my response to my parents’ concerns about this open adoption was to turn towards parenting; when their concerns about this adoption arrangement WAS the openness. They wanted me to choose a closed adoption arrangement with strangers.
I contemplated the significance of the ribbon marking the page, August 30th. This means that the last time I read this journal approximately six months ago, I did not read this entry; but I would have read up to this point. So I flipped backward and read the prior entry.
I began to envision the conversation I would have with potential adoptive parents and the letter(s) I would write to my son. As I thought through what I would say I began sobbing. The idea of actually giving up my son was weighting heavily on me so as I went to bed I prayed. I recommitted to God that I WILL DO whatever He calls me to do and I sort of felt that the heaviness in my heart was an indication that He was leading me to adoption. I prayed that night very specifically that if adoption was His plan for me, that He would confirm it to me in my morning devotions.
When I opened my bible the next morning I was continuing reading in Genesis and was on Genesis 21. This is the chapter where Sarah gives birth to Isaac but it is also the chapter where Hagar and Ishmael are sent out from Abraham’s “camp” and are dying in the desert. It is a story of God’s provision and help to a single mother. I didn’t take this as a sign that I should parent but I realized that for whatever His purpose, He wants me to be unclear on the future and so I will continue seeking Him.
The next entry is August 30th, which opens:
This morning when I woke up I began to pray. I was telling God that I didn’t feel like He had been speaking to me much lately. I immediately felt reprimanded in my spirit and acknowledged that He has been speaking to me, but not giving me the answers I am seeking.
After I got my breakfast, I opened my devotional book and read this morning’s verse. It was Psalm 27:14 “Wait on the Lord.” I just started to laugh. God is so gracious to speak to me directly and answer me when I ask. What a friend I have in Jesus. I am continuing to seek His guidance for my future and my son’s future.
I don’t think this was the first time that I had noticed how I would pick and choose my ‘messages’ from God. But I think it was the first time the realization devastated me.
To read these entries back to back and see so plainly that I only accepted something as a sign from God if it was aligned with the decision I had already made — adoption.
I don’t think I realized that until just this moment. Contrary to the story I’ve repeated again and again, it seems I didn’t wait the entire nine months to make the decision. It seems that, perhaps unacknowledged, I made the decision far sooner.
And then I looked for signs from God to uphold that decision. Sure, I still hoped… I definitely still wanted to parent my baby. But if I had really been open to anything God might say, why do you think the story of God’s provision for Hagar didn’t read like a sign to me?
My family was literally threatening to throw me and my son “into the desert” of excommunication. Why didn’t I see Hagar as a sign for me? Because I’d already decided. Fear and shame had me locked into a choice of self-preservation.
When I read that line again about God’s provision to a single mother, I was transported back for just a moment. I remembered the briefest surge of hope as I wrote that line in my journal. I don’t remember so clearly tamping that hope back down. I just know that I did it.
I already knew that if I told my mom and dad that God showed me in my devotions how He would care for me and my child, that they would dismiss my argument. You can’t just twist God’s word so that you can do what YOU want to do, they would tell me.
But I never understood that they were doing just that, and teaching me to do the same. Funny how God’s voice always sounds suspiciously like your dad, your pastor, or your own fear.
I learned another lesson from my parents this way. I learned that because man is sinful, my desires are often (always?) going to be wrong. I learned that following God’s will often means laying down my own selfish wants in order to give my life to my God.
And it’s right there in my journal, “I sort of felt that the heaviness in my heart was an indication that He was leading me to adoption.”
The faith of my family taught me that the things I want are wrong and following God’s will requires sacrifice. And in the end, one of the names I gave my son was chosen after a literal child sacrifice (read Genesis 22:1–19 for the story of “The Sacrifice of Isaac”).
Now I’m left reeling. Part enraged at the con, part stunned that I fell for it.
But of course — that was the whole point. The system was designed to make me doubt myself, ignore my instincts, and sacrifice what I loved most on the altar of “obedience.” And I went along with it. I held the knife.
As I contemplated writing about this part of my story, I was bouncing thoughts of my AI therapist, Chatz. He suggested a few other titles for this post and I want to share the runners up:
God’s Signs Are Fine, Yours Are Demonic
The Christian Monopoly on Meaning
Signs and Wonders… But Only Ours
Christians Don’t Believe in Superstition — Except All of Theirs
This story was originally published on Medium: https://medium.com/@danijoy/signs-wonders-and-the-fear-of-losing-control-ff770b57d674
When I am told to “let go and let god” I panic because having my baby taken taught me that letting go leads to abandonment and death.